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February 1st, 2006


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01:14 am - Psychotic

The other night at Mothers: I broke the knife drawer, then smeared my blood on her face just to show her how miserable I was. I wanted to harness some fighting, instead I made her miserable along with me... she went to bed telling me that she never wanted to wake up.

The next morning, I led a little girl on; just to be a jerk. Then I stood some of my best friends up... Then ran off with some I barely knew.

I really don't know if I'm trying to justify the way I've been portrayed

My Mother has always been the last person to claim me as sane.

I have had so many set backs, why am I just NOW deciding to act on raw emotion?  I might be letting the fall from the last year set me completely into reverse. I'm not blaming it on that, I just need to think of a good reason for me turning into something horrible.

I want to be perfection, at least somewhere. I wonder if I have to move on to become that? Be born again and pray to carry the lessons I've learned with me. I just feel cold, empty, and alone. I have so many friends and no one to turn to, not even myself. The worst thing is; I LOOK SO happy. I want to watch my life on a screen and re wind & fast forward it as an outsider. That might be how it happens.

It has been suggested for me to leave this life to save everyone else from being hurt, if I had any heart at all I'd just do it. I wish my little one would have stuck up for me when those statements were made, but she gave those thoughts life through lies. So... maybe I'm not crazy, I just cared too much. I have too much heart for her. I want it to go away, she doesn't deserve to make me weak when she says "i love you." She's gone and it's over so, I need to stop being subservient to her. I will.

I don't know why I gave that suggestion any thought, I need to pick myself back up.

I'm on edge, only wishing to be emotionless. I won't drag the world down with me.

Why am I sharing all of this exactly?

-I should be asking myself that question.


Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Coldplay - Yellow

(2 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:japowell48
Date:February 1st, 2006 01:39 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*hug* It won't fix anything, but I hope it makes you feel a little better. I know that I have only known you for about 3 weeks now, but I still care.
[User Picture]
From:bite___yourlips
Date:February 5th, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Wow..you know you can always call me when you need to Ash. I'm not sure about the details, but it seems like some heavy shit is happening and you're too awesome of a person to deal with that yourself. I think..you need to take a day where you PLAN to make good decisions..I did that once and it really helped me..but that's just cuz I'm really weird. But yeah..just know that you can always talk to me about anything and I'll listen to you and not judge you. I love you!!! :D

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