|01:14 am - Psychotic|
The other night at Mothers: I broke the knife drawer, then smeared my blood on her face just to show her how miserable I was. I wanted to harness some fighting, instead I made her miserable along with me... she went to bed telling me that she never wanted to wake up.
The next morning, I led a little girl on; just to be a jerk. Then I stood some of my best friends up... Then ran off with some I barely knew.
I really don't know if I'm trying to justify the way I've been portrayed
My Mother has always been the last person to claim me as sane.
I have had so many set backs, why am I just NOW deciding to act on raw emotion? I might be letting the fall from the last year set me completely into reverse. I'm not blaming it on that, I just need to think of a good reason for me turning into something horrible.
I want to be perfection, at least somewhere. I wonder if I have to move on to become that? Be born again and pray to carry the lessons I've learned with me. I just feel cold, empty, and alone. I have so many friends and no one to turn to, not even myself. The worst thing is; I LOOK SO happy. I want to watch my life on a screen and re wind & fast forward it as an outsider. That might be how it happens.
It has been suggested for me to leave this life to save everyone else from being hurt, if I had any heart at all I'd just do it. I wish my little one would have stuck up for me when those statements were made, but she gave those thoughts life through lies. So... maybe I'm not crazy, I just cared too much. I have too much heart for her. I want it to go away, she doesn't deserve to make me weak when she says "i love you." She's gone and it's over so, I need to stop being subservient to her. I will.
I don't know why I gave that suggestion any thought, I need to pick myself back up.
I'm on edge, only wishing to be emotionless. I won't drag the world down with me.
Why am I sharing all of this exactly?
-I should be asking myself that question.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Coldplay - Yellow