February 21st, 2006
|04:35 am - Miss|
I decided to give her something broken and now it's in pieces.
I don't want to be fixed, but something is telling me she likes it that way.
So tomorrow I'll spite her and tonight I'll dream her.
I can't stay here forever and waiting has long left my mind.
Her power is fading and the memories shading and she's more than a mountain away.
Not much to update except uh, tonight I had a MAJOR hot date.
Oh, and I'm workin in 2 1/2 hrs... still haven't slept.
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Snoring
February 6th, 2006
|10:42 pm - Doot.|
This just in:
I HATE clingy women! I am damn tired of them, I swear I'm going celibate and moving to an island with Smokey and an unlimited alcohol supply. I just wanna roast in the sun with my old man cat and zap my friends in whenever I feel like having them around.I missed going to PA with some chaps just because I had some girl on my dick. I was with her BORED and rather bothered on Superbowl Sunday. I just started hanging out with this chick and I seriously think I've argued with her more than I did with Jess in our entire relationship. She lives in bumfuck across the fucking bay bridge and wants to date me.
Girls are poo. Ick. Lesbos. Eww.
GREAT, I am officially the most cocky bitch I know. ::rounds of applause:: No, seriously, I ADORE myself... the only one as fabulous of me is The Smokes. Okay, okay I joke.
Did anyone watch the superbowl?
I only watched the first 10 minutes, then ran to watch The Rolling Stones rock out at half time. God, I love the Stones... Mick Jagger just might be the sexiest mother fucker alive and yes, I would make out with him and no, I haven't clue about who won this year or even how the game went for the most part. Yes, this makes me a loser.
Anywho, I'm bored with normal life and I'm working on being the most scene dyke swinger on the western side of the world.
So, I believe I will go out and do it!
(Shake my booty on the regular & do the world, that is)
Anyone care to join me?
*Look fabulous*Sell drugs to youth*Sex the world*Live extravagantly*
I'm hungry, horny and have bronchitis.
...HA, I codradicted myself a little, didn't I? >;O)
Current Mood: horny
Current Music: Genitorturers - Flesh is the Law
February 1st, 2006
|01:14 am - Psychotic|
The other night at Mothers: I broke the knife drawer, then smeared my blood on her face just to show her how miserable I was. I wanted to harness some fighting, instead I made her miserable along with me... she went to bed telling me that she never wanted to wake up.
The next morning, I led a little girl on; just to be a jerk. Then I stood some of my best friends up... Then ran off with some I barely knew.
I really don't know if I'm trying to justify the way I've been portrayed
My Mother has always been the last person to claim me as sane.
I have had so many set backs, why am I just NOW deciding to act on raw emotion? I might be letting the fall from the last year set me completely into reverse. I'm not blaming it on that, I just need to think of a good reason for me turning into something horrible.
I want to be perfection, at least somewhere. I wonder if I have to move on to become that? Be born again and pray to carry the lessons I've learned with me. I just feel cold, empty, and alone. I have so many friends and no one to turn to, not even myself. The worst thing is; I LOOK SO happy. I want to watch my life on a screen and re wind & fast forward it as an outsider. That might be how it happens.
It has been suggested for me to leave this life to save everyone else from being hurt, if I had any heart at all I'd just do it. I wish my little one would have stuck up for me when those statements were made, but she gave those thoughts life through lies. So... maybe I'm not crazy, I just cared too much. I have too much heart for her. I want it to go away, she doesn't deserve to make me weak when she says "i love you." She's gone and it's over so, I need to stop being subservient to her. I will.
I don't know why I gave that suggestion any thought, I need to pick myself back up.
I'm on edge, only wishing to be emotionless. I won't drag the world down with me.
Why am I sharing all of this exactly?
-I should be asking myself that question.
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Coldplay - Yellow
January 26th, 2006
|09:35 pm - I; Minus The Falling|
I rather feel like taking myself on a picnic. Me time, yEaH!
I regret to confess that I fell a little. I saw it coming and wore knee pads. I put my tough skin on after smiling a bit obnoxiously. I knew it would be wrong to melt completely. I tried my hardest to be a jerk. I never needed another bandage to cover an ozzing wound anyway.
...That seems to be my pattern...
I just live to connect.
I haven't seen my boy cat named Smokes in forever and he's coming home tomorrow!!!
I'm going to Baltimore Beauty Academy... My mother just informed ME of this tonight!
Also, I'd like some money. I will be getting some tomorrow and distributing it "properly."
Oh and, people need to STOP telling me when they're "trying" to kill themselves!
~*~Good Night, Few.~*~
Current Mood: indifferent
Current Music: GOD - Marliyn Manson
January 24th, 2006
|01:51 pm - I exist.|
I haven't exactly been great at documenting my life online since high
school, still I figured I'd give it one more go before the blow.
Let's start with a brief history from this past year.
Then we'll move on from there.
In 2005 I:
So there we go.
- Fell in Love.
- Moved out of my Mother's house to Ellicott City with Jackie in February
- Worked at Hecht's, Frank's Diner Shell, a Piercing Kiosk, Normandy Health & Fitness, SafeWay.
- Turned 19.
- Got assaulted three days later.
- Had a horrible time managing finances.
- Moved back to my Mother's in June.
- Fell a little Harder.
- Got engaged on Independence Day.
- Moved to Washington, DC with Jessica.
- Worked for PIRG, Whole Foods, ICM.
- Lived in a complete mess.
- Shared small fries with jess because we were so broke.
- Fell short.
- Reunited with Jackie in NYC.
- Lost my mind.
- Sat in the back of a paddy wagon.
- Spent a month away.
- Came back.
- Gushed all over my love.
- Attempted to fix it all in NYC on Thanksgiving.
- Held HER & cried.
- Lost our home on 301 G St SW.
- Cried without her.
- Learned to comfort myself.
- Burned and got burned.
Tonight I'm moving to Baltimore City to hopefully start a healthier
life. My lesson is well learned, no matter how much in love you are,
you can't let it dominate your everything. I am determined to be self
sufficient from now on. I'm just laying out my options and since I'm
young, I think I'll start doing everything I have ever wanted to do. I
want to go down every path in front of me, untill I have finally
reached a complete euphoric state. Contrary to popular belief, I do
not need anyone holding my hand to achieve this. I'm not saying that I
am going to remain single until the day I die, I'll just keep my
romantic relationships at a safe distance. A single woman will never be
in my top five priority list or "my other half". I would rather
have an army to fall back on rather than an angel to take me so high
that I forget that anything else exists. That just makes me want to
puke all over a really expensive white dress.
Current Mood: numb
Current Music: Melissa Etheridge - American Dream